Choices

I took my kids to the movies yesterday. We went to see "How to train your dragon". As we were crossing the road to the movie theater I could smell the popcorn in the air. In the past when we would go to the movies I would get a lemonade, popcorn with butter and chocolate covered peanuts. I was rationalizing all over the place with myself why I should be able to get all of that....I did an hour of zumba, I would eat a really lite dinner, I hardly ever go to the movies...Yep...I am the queen of rationalization.

Then I stopped and thought- this is what I have been doing for years and if I don't stop NOTHING is going to change! I am not going to change. This was my choice.

In the end I was happy with my choice of an iced water and a kids size bag of popcorn with no butter. I didn't totally deprive myself, but I also didn't go overboard. It felt really good to pass by my old favorites and to know that I am changing. It sure is slow, but it's happening! :)

Lukewarm Efforts

Yesterday was my first weigh in (at least for this time around). I lost two pounds. I am happy about it, but I expected more from the first week. You know how usually the first week you lose a big number-lots of water weight. My husband made me feel better by reminding me that two pounds equals eight sticks of butter. That is pretty cool. :)

I feel like so far I have just been lukewarm in my efforts to become healthy. I am not on fire about it and I want to be. I need to make it a priority in my life and it hasn't been. My plan (which I am constantly revising!) I am going to make a new goal for myself each week. This week my goal will be to find time to exercise everyday. Whether it is walking around the neighborhood, doing a dvd workout or hitting the gym......I'm aiming for seven days!

My kids are on spring break this week, so it will be a challenge, but I just have to keep on reminding myself that I am worth it. I am worth taking an hour a day for myself!

My Zumba Experience

pic from mainebusiness

Yesterday, I decided to try Zumba. It is the big craze around here right now. Signs up around town for zumba classes in churches, senior centers, gyms, etc... so I had to see for myself what it was all about!

When I got to the gym I found my way to the room (the room of many mirrors! yikes) and found myself a spot in the back corner. I was feeling a little nervous when I saw how many very "fit" people were filing into the class. Hmmmm...should I make a run for it? No, I stayed.

The instructor asked if anyone was new and a few of raised our hands. She said that if we lost track of the moves- just dance. OK. I can do that!

The music was awesome! It was fun! I loved it. Very upbeat and just made me feel like moving. The moves were as difficult as you wanted them to be. Some people were doing a more intense dance and some more mild.

The best part is that I felt totally comfortable there, well, not so comfortable that I would want to be in the front of class! HA! But, definitely comfortable enough to go back!

After the hour was up I was a sweaty mess, so I know it was an effective workout. But, I do notice today that I am not "feeling it" like I do in my strength/aerobic workouts. I need to look up and find out how many calories I burned.

I am sure this may be old news to some, but I found these at the grocery store yesterday. They are only 110 calories each!!! I am a bagel lover so this was a happy find for me. I spread a little cream cheese on mine and then topped with a bunch of veggies! It made a great lunch.


Hope you all have a great weekend! :)

None for me Please

My family loves ice cream. At least every other night around 7:30 someone will ask when we are having dessert.

Last night when I got home my husband was dishing up the nightly dose of ice cream for everyone. I noticed that he had five bowls out, so I said, "None for me please" He looked surprised. "You don't want any?" I replied, "Nope!" He was so proud of me...went on and on about how strong I was. Thanks, hunny :)

Inside though I did not feel so strong. It was a huge battle. I wanted that darn ice cream so bad. WHY? It is just food! Why does it have such a hold on me? I deal with these kinds of battles all day. Temptations around every corner.

Sometimes, it almost feels like I am at war with food and I do not want to feel like that. I would like to get to the point where I am eating to live and not living to eat!

I love healthy foods and I notice if I have those choices around I will choose them over the junk. So that is good! I stocked up on lots of fruits and veggies and did not buy any new snacky foods.

But, the ice cream stayed. I need to find a healthy evening snack that I can have when everyone else is having their bowl of calories. Any ideas? :)

Out of Hiding

I ended up seeing my old friend that is visiting her family. It was a little uncomfortable for about the first minute (just in my mind I am sure!), but after that it was just like old times. In fact we are getting together again, but with our husbands, tomorrow night for dinner.

I can't believe that I was going to let my insecurities about my size get in the way of being blessed with a visit from a friend. But, that is just one more reason why I am dedicated to losing this weight.

It was such a beautiful day today and instead of going to the gym I decided to go on a walk. I have no idea exactly how far I walked, but I do know that by the time I turned around to head back to the car...I was exhausted! (Seattle is quite hilly!!) HA! I wasn't sure if I was going to make it. But, I did. My legs still feel a bit wobbly.

This morning I had the best breakfast at Starbuck's for 280 calories. The feta-spinach wrap.
I have to figure out how to make these at home! Yum.

*pic from starbucks website*

Thank you to everyone that has visited and/or commented on my blog. It has really been an encouragement to me and I appreciate you all so much! Thank you! :)

Hiding and Planning

Today I am hiding

Hiding from an old friend that is in town to see her family.

I have not seen her since I was a size 8.(loooong time ago!)

We keep in touch through facebook, but of course I only have cute headshots on facebook!

She still looks like she did twenty years ago.

I know, I know...it's what's inside that matters.

I know that. I really do. And it is true.

It would just be uncomfortable.

I feel bad about it though. ugh.

On a brighter note :)

I have started my meal planning. I have decided on sticking around 1600 calories per day. I am making a list of my favorite foods and their calories so I can easily pick and choose.

Do you all keep a daily food journal? Does that work for you?

Have a great day!

I Never Thought

that it would be this hard

to post photos of myself

but, here they are!

I guess I just don't see myself as large as I am. But when I look at these photos I can't deny the fact that I have a big problem. That is why I stray from being in photos. I just do not want to admit it. But, now here it is for the world to see! This is me.

Starting point: 150 pounds to lose
Pounds lost: 0 (my weigh-ins will be on Mondays)

Sabotage

I am not telling my family about my weight loss blog. It's not that I don't love them, or that they don't love me. We have lots of that going on, but for reasons that I may never understand...they always seem to sabotage my efforts at weight loss.

Last month for instance I told my mom on a Sunday that I was going to start a new weight loss plan (how many times have I said those words? many times!)

mom: "oh, when are you starting?"
me: "Now, today".
mom: "Good for you, I know you can do this!"
me: "Yep. Nothing is going to stop me this time."

Hmmmm...I wonder why it is that the very next morning she showed up at my house with a venti iced white chocolate mocha w/ whip? (that happens to be my favorite by the way)

mom: "I thought you might want one last coffee before you start"
me: "Thanks"

And you know what? I drank that coffee and felt horrible about myself. I know that I could have said no or dumped it down the sink, but I didn't.
It is not her fault nor was it her choice that I decided to drink it, it was mine. I blame no one else except for myself that I am overweight.

But, still!! When the people that I love find out that I am on a diet it is like they TRY to feed me! How weird is that? and why??

So, that is why I am keeping my blog and my weight loss to myself for now. This is my "sabotage free" zone! :)

That Feeling

Last night I was getting ready to go on a G.N.O (girls night out).

I showered, straightened my hair, put on a little make-up and then went to look for something to wear.

The dreaded question...What the heck am I going to wear?????

Oh, to be able to walk into that closet and just throw on something cute/hot/classy without giving a second thought to, how fat am I going to look in it, would be pure bliss I tell ya'(and that is why I am here!! I am going to make this dream my reality! :) ).

So, I finally decide on jeans and a shirt.

After I get dressed I have "that feeling". Have you ever had it? (I sure hope not cause it's no fun) The feeling that you are STUFFED into your jeans that you just had to lay down on your bed to zip!

That is how I felt last night. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but that is the feeling that I am working on getting rid of FOREVER!

I did have a great G.N.O anyways and stuck to drinking water and watching my portions just the way I had planned...tight fittin' jeans and all!

Monday is my weigh in/measurments/photo day.

Have a fun weekend!

Wait...I think I have been here before!

I was thinking this morning, while eating my oatmeal, wow...I have been doing this "losing weight thing" for a long time! Just thinking about all of the times that I have lost the weight and gained it back gives me a sick feeling inside.
Here are just a few of the roads I have traveled for the last 20 years...

dexatrim
Medi-fast
weight watchers x3
Prism
slim fast
my own "homemade diet" plans

I have lost weight on all of these and then gained it back (plus some). It is not the plans fault, some of them are great! It is my fault. I never REALLY changed, just masked the problem for awhile.

So, why is this time going to be any different? This time will be different because I am not going to "diet". I am making a lifestyle change. I have already joined the gym and started exercising 3 days a week. I am not going to deprive myself of any specific foods. The name of my game this time around is: MODERATION and EXERCISE :)

It will work!
It has to work!
Forty and fit here I come!!

Hope

My first ever blog post. Unchartered waters I am swimmin' in here! I thought this would be a great way for me to journal my weight loss adventures :) It just may be that I will be the only one to ever read these words, but hopefully it will help me to stay on track to be accountable to the goals and hopes that I write out here.

I want to:

be healthy
sit in any chair that I choose without the fear of it collapsing.
go shopping on the misses side of the store.
put on a bathing suit and take my kids to the beach or pool.
be in family photos that I currently hide from.
be an example for my girls.
not cringe when I notice my reflection.
love myself.

My weight has held me back from so much more than I have listed here. It is sad really. There are so many things that I avoid doing, people I avoid seeing, life I avoid living...because of this extra 150 pounds...because of the fat half of myself. Today is a new day and I have hope that it can be THE day that I change! I don't want to waste another day!